Another Ultimate Doomsday Survival Guide

About the author (all REAL survival books start out this way) – Matt Slater is a ten-year veteran of the highly elite Kansas Army National Guard, and has written hundreds of counseling statements regarding PT failures and exceeding body fat standards.

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With the end of the world only hours away, this is going to be part one in yet another definitive guide on how to prolong the inevitable.  With the end of civilization as we know it fast approaching, food and water will be the new currency.  If you live in the midwest, it’ll be only food, since we don’t have any water to begin with.  Sometime in the next 100 hours, you’re going to have to eat an MRE… you poor hapless bastard.  

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The first thing you need to know about MREs is that no matter what you eat in them, your need to defecate will end.  Permanently.  I’m serious, the last MRE I had was in 2001, and I haven’t taken a dump since.  Imagine what eating two pounds of Imodium AD a day would do to your body, and you’re getting close.  

When eating an MRE, most people are concerned about the entree – the main meal.  This is wrong.  They all taste pretty much the same.  From chili mac to pork rib to the sloppy joe, it’s all pretty much the same crap (except for cheese tortellini, that stuff’s DAMN good eatin’).  What you’re really looking for in an MRE are two things – Jalapeno cheese spread and M&Ms.  Jalapeno cheese spread is the only thing that makes the crackers even halfway edible.  Coming in a distant second is regular cheese spread.  If you don’t know what M&Ms are, you probably can’t read this blog because it’s not in Russian, you communist asshole.  I digress.  Do whatever you can to acquire these items.  This list will help you in determining which MREs have what, and then you can dig for the MREs with these in them, or trade for them.  The trick to trading MREs is pretending you REALLY like the entree.  I.E. – “Ohh man, I will totally trade you my chicken and noodles for your Mexican-style chicken stew – I love that stuff!”  Of course, the other guy, who obviously didn’t read this blog, will stupidly agree, and that’s how you get jalapeno cheese spread and M&Ms.  Too easy.  That’s all there is to it.  Just make it seem like he’s getting the better of the deal, when in reality your giving him the proverbial shaft.  Once you master this, I’d run for senator.

Charms.  If you get Charms in your MRE, get rid of them as fast as possible and DO NOT OPEN THEM! Give them to someone you don’t like and won’t be anywhere near anytime soon.  Charms bring incredibly bad luck, and with the impending doom of the apocalypse, that’s the last thing you need.  I’m not kidding, there’s tons of stuff on the Google about it here.  Do not fuck around with Charms, not ever.  I know, you’re out there thinking, “this curse isn’t real, I’ll prove him wrong.”  When you do, please let me know 24-48 hours in advance, so I can clear the AO ASAP.  I want nothing to do with that kind of evil sorcery.

To end on a brighter note, I did get a pretty good ride in on the Pugsley.  That’s my fat-tire mountain bike.  It finally snowed here in Kansas, and it was great to get it out in it’s natural environment.  

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It has extra (4″) wide tires to provide extra float and traction on snow, but people found out you can ride them almost anywhere.  It sounds cliche to say, but it’s true – it really puts the fun factor back in mountain biking.  Riding single-track in Alaska was probably the most fun I’ve ever had on a bike.

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I also used this bike on a bikepacking trip to Colorado sans snow, so it really is a fun, diverse bike.  Today was a perfect day for a ride too.  It started out cold, with the snow nice and crisp, and then warmed quickly after noon to a downright balmy 47.  I saw Eric the Adventure Monkey out and about on his new Salsa Beargrease.  Good to see the fatbike thing is catching on!  I need to get a really goofy picture of him, because I definitely owe him.  Here’s the picture he took of me two weeks ago and put on his blog:

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Thanks.  Thanks for that.  Haha, kidding, but it does kind of suck because people actually read HIS blog.  Hmmm.  I’ll have to work on that.

See you down the road,

Matt

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About dingo41

I'm 34, from East-Central Kansas, and you could say I'm pretty heavy into cycling. This blog is about all manner of things. I find it's more interesting that way! I hope you enjoy.
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One Response to Another Ultimate Doomsday Survival Guide

  1. Looking good Mr. Slater, looking good!

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