I’m probably going to be arrested and locked away in one of those FEMA camps for posting this, but the public deserves the TRUTH!
Background: Nuclear power is generated by a controlled chain reaction of uranium atoms which gives off a vast amount of heat as a byproduct of said chain reaction. This heat is used to boil water which generates steam, which in turn is used to move a turbine generator which provides safe, clean, affordable electricity to the masses, right?
This is a fallacy and a cover-up going to the highest levels of government. The truth of the matter is that humans aren’t smart enough to figure out how to split atoms. The way uranium works is very simple. It sucks the happiness out of people. The power companies have harnessed this ability, and use it to generate electricity. The reason it is encased in such a large concrete dome is simple. If uranium is left unprotected, it will instantaneously suck the happiness out of everyone around, simultaneously. What happens when that occurs?
Not necessarily a good thing to happen when you’re trying to generate electricity. The good news is, with enough concrete, lead, and steel shielding, uranium sucks the happiness out of people in a slow, deliberate, controlled manner. Another way to help minimize this is to put the plant in a location not so close to a large population center (say, in the middle of Kansas). This way, power companies can limit the happiness suck to the people of their choosing. These people are usually referred to as “employees.”
Employees of nuclear generating plants are told that their jobs are of the utmost importance, and are made to believe that the plant, nay, the world, will cease to function in their absence. This is a complete fallacy. The only reason they are at that plant is to have the happiness sucked from them. They are given some menial task to perform (say, security, for example, or Control Room Supervisor), but really, the power company only hired them because they showed an inordinate amount of happiness in their interview.
Now, once the happiness levels of employees has a reached a low-point, power production starts to be negatively affected. The power company has two options at this point. One, it could fire all employees and get new ones (a timely process, to be sure). Two, it can cease power production completely for a couple of months, bring in thousands of temporary employees to have the happiness sucked out of, and recharge the uranium. So far, option two has been the de facto choice of every nuclear plant in the US. It’s even called refueling (outage for short).
Now, at this point you must think I’m crazy. That may be the case, but the above is the complete truth, and I’ll further prove it to you. When employees leave the plant, everyone has to go through a “radiation” detector to make sure no “radioactive” particles will be exposed to the general public. In actuality, what those detectors are looking for is remnants of happiness. If you have any excess happiness when you go to leave, the detector will go off, and you will have to wait at the plant until all extra happiness is gone, and the detector clears you. Only THEN are you allowed to leave.
Why is there such a big emphasis on safety? Simple. Accidents and injuries decrease happiness. Why can’t you bring alcohol to work? Simple again. Alcohol is a depressant. Can’t have that, now can we? Can’t bring guns and explosives either. Why? Both of those have the ability to decrease happiness among employees (plus can also damage plant equipment, which is SUPER-expensive). Nicotine and caffeine are both stimulants, so HELP YOURSELF! Here, we’ll even buy you coffee, just be sure to smile!
Now the truth is out there. Do with this information what you will, but know the TRUTH!
Editors note: the above is complete satire. I don’t mind my job, and truth be told the only real gripe I have about it is the schedule (we’ll say we have an “odd” schedule and leave it at that). The pay and benefits are great, and so are about 30% of the people I work with (I KID I KID!).
I’m going to go ride my bike. Gotta get that happiness back up again!
I’ll see you down the road,